Please note: Contains adult themes and material that some people may find offensive
Date: Thursday 18th June 2020
Quarantine: Are we still in quarantine?
Location: Rotherham
Specifically: Clifton
Reality: Enjoying the rain cos I’m inside Hymie
Note to self - have to remember to come back and edit that because it really does not sound right!
I’ve heard some freaky sexual persuasions in my lifetime like people who get their jollies from vacuum cleaners, farm animals (bleat!) and hiding guinea pigs in unusual places but *I don’t want to get into people who get their sexual jollifications from giving the old moho a *good servicing (And I don’t mean oiling the bristles)
*I’m doing it again! Blast. Why is it so difficult to avoid sexual innuendo!? In my efforts to try and get myself out of doing it again I’ve gone and done it again while doing it again!and in saying ‘doing it again I’ve done it again! Bugger me ...... arghhhhhhh!!!!!!!
[Censored - I can’t bear you to see a grown man in tears]
RAIN DANCE
Another post that wont win me any new friends. But I was delighted to wake this morning to the sound of rain pelting down from the sky (and would have been even more amazed had it been pelting up from the ground) slamming onto Hymie’s poor head like a barrage of machine gun fire. I felt sorry for Hymie despite his greatly reinforced bonce but I could hardly bring him inside his own framework without turning him inside out (ugh). Though I couldn’t deny being pleased that the rain had drowned out that God awful humidity which I detest with a passion
Can you believe I once took a holiday in Thailand? Can’t cope with humidity so I pay several hundred pounds to go and stand in it for a fortnight. Were you ever so enthused about doing something that you didn’t consider the consequences until it was too late? Story of my bloody life (or one of them). Stepping off the plane in Bangkok was akin to walking into a blast furnace. In a matter of seconds my pores opened like a sponge and sweat rolled of me like liquified wax.
The plane! The plane!
Apologies - little detour. Bare with bare with!
The journey from Quatar, where I demanded the pilot land owing to me wanting a wee and the toilets being busted, was an adventure in itself.
As you know airports are like big shopping centres. But instead of doing your shopping and heading back to your car you head out to an aeroplane. Now I don’t care what the fizzy cysts say about the mechanics of flight I just cannot get my head around how an aeroplane not only flies and remains aloft but does so even with the added weight of a few hundred passengers.
Forging international relations with Thailand (Left) and South Korea (Right)
My theory? It doesn’t - that’s a load of old cobby-wobbles put about by the same people who filmed the moon landing in a TV studio just to put the wind up the Russians.
See - here’s what I think really happens. Once everyone has taken a seat (small wonder some planes are now standing room only) the usherette - or whatever these trolley dollies are called - stands in front of the passengers like an automatonic Barbie, rattles off some spiel about breathing apparatus, fastening seatbelts (they have to do something to stop them disappearing) and turning off your mobile lest your brain falls out through your ear, squeals excitedly and dashes of to play with its friends in the luggage compartment. While you’re listening to this display a video is playing in the background. This video contains subliminal messages the effect of which is to induce the passengers into a coma.
Emergency stop!
Oh dear. Sorry. My brain has been affected by another little thoughtlett.
Dunno about you but I’m fascinated by definitions and how people situations actions and events are perceived differently depending upon the context.
Take this air roastess (not sure how to spell it) job. Now someone who trundles around a transport cafe taking orders, serving greasy fry ups and washing ketchup stains from tacky formica tables while some hoary old goat tries to cop a feel of her behind has a job that carries all the status of a hostess who hires a rain dancer for a barbecue.
Now put this same person in the air. Insert them into a smart twin set, posh blouse and a little ‘Happy to Help’ badge’ Then have them wander up and down the aisle taking orders and returning with them served up in those cardboard piss potts used to collect samples in care homes. Result - status goes through the roof and everyone wants to be like you. Of course hoary old men still try to cop a feel of your ass and stare down your cleavage but no one said it was easy.
Quatar
Thank you dear reader for baring with me. Allow me to back up a little bit. At Quatar I discovered that I had been upgraded to business class. Of course I argued like crazy. What a bleedin’ diabolical liberty (I have always wanted to say that!) I pay good money for my seat in steerage (or whatever the equivalent cess pit is on a plane) and I’m NOT giving it up now. “I’ll have it mate if you don’t want it” I react and go on the defensive. “What!? Not a chance it’s mine! Mine, all mine I tell you and if you persist in your attempts to remove it from me when it is so nearly in my grasp I will see to it that you forfeit your life!” mwa hahahaha mwahahahahaaaaaaaa (always wanted to laugh like that as well). Greedy little bastard.
Wunderbar! The only time I came anywhere close to experiencing first class was sitting upstairs on a bus to Sheffield. But this was the real deal! The way the other half live. Access to a free bar, lounge, sleeping area, free food and drinks, use of computers with wi-fi, toilets with correctly spelled graffiti on the walls, toilet rolls with real toilet paper and locks on the doors that worked!! Wayyy heyyyy! Result! After consuming more than my fair share of Eastern delights and chatting to my honorary sister Concetta over ‘t internet I made my way to the departure gate.
Another observation (and major breach of the trades descriptions act). Departure means you are about to depart, to go somewhere different to where you are now. Yes? So why is it that after 3 hours of watching people fast asleep on benches, children crying with boredom and sitting adjacent to people flatulating (giving a whole new meaning to the phrase ‘having the wind in your face’) I am still sat here? I just want planes to be like buses. “Ere there’s one coming now Mable stick yer ‘and out!”
My seat on the Quatar Airlines Airbus A320 was a big improvement on the one I usually get in economy class. It had one for a start which made a change or at least one of some significance.
Economy class
A euphemism for a ‘hopelessly inadequate seating area on trains, boats and of course aeroplanes.If you haven’t had the pleasure of one of these allow me to enlighten you.
Imagine a confined space. Something like the inside of a North Sea gas pipe (and with the same sort of smell). Your first thought might be “why is this place crammed with bodies that appear to have been squeezed into place with a tyre lever!?” These seats are very similar to those child seats you see in the back of cars only a lot smaller. (During production it was discovered that actual child seats left a fraction of room for manoeuvre which taken across the entire aeroplane would leave room to fit another seat)
BREKKY
During breakfast I think about what I could post on social media. Seems to me that the more culturally and intellectually superior a post is the less views it gets. Conversley if your post is the cultural and intellectual equivalent of Lindsay Lohan it will probably go viral in 10 minutes and win you a coconut.
A few great examples..
Nusret Gocke uploaded a video clip of himself sprinkling salt into a steak. Just think about that. There will be people who have been scratching their head for weeks trying to work out what they could post that would generate enough of an uproar to go viral. Then along comes young Nusret and thinks “ah fuck it I’m just going to grab a steak and chuck some salt on it” Brilliant! People will love it.
The ALS Ice Bucket Challenge.
A campaign to raise awareness of the disease amyotrophic lateral sclerosis. The idea was to pour a bucket of iced water over your head and challenge a friend to do the same within 24hrs. About 16.5 million hits so far.
Can you imagine if William Shakespeare was writing his great works today? Prodding away on his little iPad
“YOLO Juliet, 459 4eae srsly iwalu 💖
Now that would make an impact on the literary world.
Frustrated with trying to find out what sort of posts gets the best responses I tried to come up with the most trivial question I could think of.
Mind boggling questions designed to get you thinking and set you up for an ultra magnifico day!
1. What is the best biscuit to have with your tea?
Talking like Instagram
#Justtoshowyouhowcoolihavebecomeiamgoingtowriteininstagramspeak! #illiterate #cantfuckingspell #grammaticalnonevent #brainsareinhisarse #moron
MAKING ‘FRIENDS’
Sending unsolicited friend requests is one way to increase your circle of friends. Of course they won’t be real friends. Most wont bother to even respond but a fair few will accept. Only on very rare ocassions will someone query it. What does that tell us about today’s world? Can you imagine walking up to a stranger and asking them to be your friend? The two metre rule will pale into insignificance compared to the distance they will want to put between you and them.
For those who do query the request I always try to have an answer ready I want to keep them more people mote folk to sell to right. So I try to have an answer that will enable them to engage with me and, hopefully, keep their digits off the UF icon.
Here’s an example...
Hello... not sure we know each other, David. Intrigued by the friend request. Anyway, hope you’re staying safe and well during this strange time though.
“Apologies my bad - I tapped the wrong icon by mistake. Just bash the delete button and jettison me through the nearest airlock. Sorry for the inconvenience”
Haha no jettisoning necessary! Can’t imagine being shoved through an airlock is pleasant.
“Phew! Thank you sir you can’t imagine my sense of relief. In future I’ll leave airlocks to Sigourney Weaver. Enjoy your day”.
😂 no worries.
Result!!!
Mind boggling questions designed to get you thinking and set you up for an ultra magnifico day!
No 2. Why is it that there are only two ways to insert a USB cable into a computer USB port and yet you get it wrong 100% of the time?
Perfect.
Total number of ‘Likes’
3
Goodnight!!!😤
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