Date: Saturday 26th September 2020
Location: On the Welsh border
Specifically: Hiding behind a shrubbery in the dark watching an alien ship landing next to the bogs so that the occupants might relieve themselves before continuing on to the spiral arm of the Milky Way galaxy.
What!???
Contains sensitive information readers of a nervous disposition may prefer to sit on mummies knee.
"UFO" "No YOU FO!"
A Captain Victory Special Report
After hours of painstaking research, many miles of legwork and endless interviews the team at Captain Victory can finally prove the existence of extraterrestrial life.
Our Shocking Findings include!
Hard evidence of Alien ship (walked into it while the cloaking device was switched on)
Big bag of alien crap
Evidence of alien weapons inc a shrink ray to miniaturise livestock for transportation.
Discarded alien artefacts
UFO landing pad!
Horse turned into an alien!!!
....and lots more!
Read on......
You may recall the report a few weeks ago written following my account of an alien spacecraft hovering in the sky above Bettisfield on the Welsh border. Some people were quick to reject the idea saying the alien craft was nothing more than a photoshopped image of a wind turbine with the tower edited out. Fortunately most people understood what they were seeing and were quick to shower me with praise, luxurious comestibles and a recommendation that I should receive a special award based on an English version of The Oscar known as the ‘Right Charlie’.
Now those doubting Walters (fed up with Thomas’s) can feed on their own ignorance as we present even more proof of the existence of alien life!
The truth is out there - in a field overlooking the stables and nestled among the cabbages.
THE LANDING
Certain people might have had doubts about my recent UFO sighting but I guarantee those people will soon be eating their words for today I can reveal that, while watching a recent episode of The Clangers, I witnessed an alien ship landing on the farm in an area close to the stables.
This was different to the usual sightings of UFOs in that the craft did not appear to be damaged in any way i.e this was not a crash landing but a deliberate attempt to visit earth. I was puzzled as to why it would land here on the Welsh border. Could it be that the Welsh language was very similar to their own with it’s mish mash of unpronounceable words, absence of vowels and potential for some mind boggling Scrabble scores?
Turns out the answer was much simpler. Heres a photo I took of the UFO the moment it landed. You see where it is? Yup. Right next to the newly installed showers and lavatory facilities! The aliens had no desire to visit because they wanted to be taken to our leader (they would probably get more sense out of the Clangers anyway) they stopped by because they wanted to take a shit and have a shower!!! Eh? Cheeky bastards! It wouldn’t be so bad if they downloaded a half pound or so of alien brown butter, flushed the bog and flew off but no this bloody lot forgot to pay a visit before leaving their world and have been squeezing their sphincters for 33 million light years - which is an awfully long time to go without a dump!
LAVVY FACILITIES
I thought the sign about weeing over the fence was a bit discriminatory if I'm honest - until I got wind of just how tall these alien chappies are (see below). Turns out the notice is a reminder to the visitors to aim downwards rather horizontal thereby running the risk of urinating over the farm-yard cat.
EH UP THESE ARE BIG BUGGERS
Although I enjoyed a dazzling view of the ship landing adjacent to the newly installed lavvies the poor light meant that I was unable to get a decent sighting of the creatures. All I could see were shadows - no detail at all. But one thing was spine chilling obvious - these creatures must have been over 15 feet high.
At first I thought maybe my mind was playing tricks - that the shadows being cast had simply become elongated in the oblique evening light. But a quick look round during the day (while hubby and wife alien were inside their craft enjoying a cup of tea and a bacon sandwich) revealed a number of artefacts and strange occurrences which confirmed that in no way could the aliens ever be described as vertically challenged.
ARTEFACT No 1 Sellotape Holder
This is what I mean re the aliens verticalosity. When I heard they had nipped into town on a shopping trip (where they mistakenly went to 'Pets Corner' instead of Tesco's (at least I think it was a mistake) and to find a cash machine (presumably so they could pay their BnB money) I noticed this household item lying around in the vicinity of their craft. I've used a small battery for size comparison but if this is a sellotape holder imagine how tall the aliens must be! Na'vi eat your heart out (though our visitors would probably do it for them).
ARTEFACT No 2: Discarded part from shrink ray (sounds like a psychiatrist)
After much in depth research and analysis plus consultation with some of the world's top experts (er....moi) it is my view that this delicately machined part belongs to the business end of a shrinking device! (See below + examples). Methinks I need to have a word with Sean about this nonsense - he won't take kindly to folk shrinking his animals! In fairness I should mention that some wag nipped over to look at the object and told me it was, and I quote, "that's a part from a spin dryer you dozy f****r" before walking away twirling his index finger in the vicinity of his temple.
PHENOMENON No 1 Horse coerced into buying alien mask!
This was the astonishing sight that greeted horse owner Karen Jones earlier. "I had just returned with a barrow full of straw for Barney when I noticed he looked a bit odd" On closer inspection I found those bloody aliens had pressurised him into buying a mask of their likeness!" I wouldn't mind but he only gets £5 a week spending money which he usually spends on apples and a packet of fags. Now he'll be on the baboski until pay day" "Barney won't be the only one in for the high jump when I catch those bug eyed little bandits!"
PHENOMENON No 2 Livestock relocated via teleportation device (Below)
HOW DID THEY KNOW WHERE TO LAND?
One question that haunted astronomers, cryptozoologists and members of the public was how did the aliens know where to land? "It's baffling said Taffy Leake - the craft entered earths atmosphere, flew over the neighbouring area, went through a set of traffic lights despite there being on red, hovered momentarily over a field to let their kids create a crop circle then made straight for Bridge Farm in Northwood. It was almost as if they had been guided to that location".
The mystery was finally solved when it was discovered that Sean and Ali - never ones to miss an opportunity - had somehow discovered that the aliens, while being highly adept at space technology weren’t quite so hot when it came to space plumbing. So although they had ships which could cover a light year in 0.00000000002 of a second they still hadn’t worked out how to knock up a decent lavatory. Hence the purpose of their visit - Sean had erected toilet facilities and was asking £500 for a wash n brush up! (Whatever happened to spending a penny?) telling the visitors that "eh thats a bloody good deal by earth standards). As a bonus he allowed the aliens missus to evacuate her penetralia free of charge curtesy of a popular earth custom known as BOG OF (buy one get one free).
Satellite image showing UFO landing pad and parking area
For me this was the final piece of the puzzle - a damning piece of evidence if ever I saw it. Not only did it illustrate the extent to which Sean and Ali were in league with aliens. It also shows that they were encouraging the little grey men to circumvent lockdown procedures (As far as I'm aware Boris has not made specific provision for alien craft but I'm sure that if caravans and motorhomes aren't allowed to whizz freely around the country neither can the occupants of UFO's!). This was bad enough but then Ali and Sean (or Bonnie and Clyde as they are known to their friends) had to go and 'treat' themselves courtesy of the *cash made from BnB charges. Criminals cannot resist talking about their activities so it was no surprise when I came across the following facebook posting...
Sean with his shiny new Aston Martin -
courtesy of lining his pockets with alien cash!
* I tried really hard to obtain evidence of this latest transaction but you would be amazed at how difficult it is to get a photograph of an alien using a cash machine.
Ali treats herself with the
aliens bed and breakfast money.
THE MOTORHOME WAVE!
Would you believe it? with all the misery in the world today heightened by social distancing and isolation along comes a facebook posting from someone who wants to do his bit to make the world more miserable! ......
Just finishing off a nice relaxing weekend of off grid camping at Elan Valley Reservoirs, but can someone please tell me what's up with the Welsh and this so called motorhome wave. 75% of the motorhomes that passed me either had the driver or passenger wave and they just end up looking like demented idiots. I don't even wave to my neighbours at home when I drive passed them, so why do people wave to strangers?
This was my response...
"Miserable bugger - I never used to wave at other moho drivers as I didn't even know it was a 'thing' until a saw a posting on this page and saw how popular it was. Now I wave all the time. We should be encouraging this sort of camaraderie among people not belittling it".
FAMOUS CRAP HAIR STYLES
No 7 The Beehive C1960's
OK I could get into serious trouble for this because back in the day (1960's to be precise) this was a very popular style. One of the things women loved about it (besides its height and resemblance to a hornets nest) was that it was very easy to maintain (although you had to put a scarf over it at bedtime and not let your amorous partner run their hands through it). All it required was hair spray. Unfortunately the only stuff available at the time was something called Bel-Air which had such potent adhesive properties it became the forerunner to 'Superglue' Believe or not the style continues to this day adorning the scalps of rich and famous people like Marj Simpson, and Boris Johnson. Amy Whitehouse was also fond of the style - but died after receiving the bill for her latest consignment of hair spray.
All for now guys!
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