*May contain strong language and material that some people may find offensive!*
Date: Wednesday 8th January 2020
Location: Rotherham
Specifically:
Today did not begin well and this is the reason....
I have been left with egg on my face - or to be exact Hymie has been left with egg on his face. No doubt courtesy of some downtrodden wooly arsed knob who is desirous of having a moho but is struggling to afford roller skates.
I suppose there are worse things that could happen; egg is hardly likely to do any permanent damage and it comes off relatively easily, give or take a bit of elbow grease. But this is one those situations involving straw, camels and injured backs; the latest in a long line of issues concerning my moho.
It seems that every few weeks I have to endure some form of low to medium level harassment; people shouting obscenities, passing comment, hammering and banging on the side of the moho making both veiled and direct threats and, on one recent occasion, even threatened to “fucking kill [me] If [I didn’t] go back in my moho“ after he and his friend had banged so hard on the side as they passed that I felt certain they must have caused damage.
Despite my reputation as a bit of a moaner and someone with a tendency to complain I’m generally quite good natured, hate confrontation and, overall happy with my lot (I did choose it after all) but more and mote frequently I find myself asking “What the hell is wrong with people?
Does it not occur to them that perhaps there could be a child in there or someone who is elderly, or ill, or disabled or just anyone? What if their was someone who was bigger than them and nasty with it and came out to beat the crap out of them (could be useful in doing something constructive with the egg!)
Then I find myself thinking about egg recipes....oops sorry, mind wandering ..... find myself thinking “what the hell is wrong with people!?“ Not for the first time I wonder if living (more or less) full time in a motor-home is really worth all the trouble. It doesn’t help that during this off road period I‘m really enjoying staying at Alex’s - I could get used to this. Anyway don’t want to be grumbling all day - my stomach will do that for itself
So, other than trying to collect my thoughts, enjoy the view and list my top ten ways of dealing with imbeciles who throw eggs at people’s vehicles, I enjoy the journey to Rotherham, where I have a few bits and pieces to attend to.
First up is a visit to the nurse! I need to get the results of my recent blood test. I enter her consulting room and almost immediately put my foot in it (good idea unless my intention is to stand out in the corridor all day). Above her desk, sitting amongst the usual stuff; photos of family, a cactus (why does everyone seem to insist on having a plant that stabs you the moment you touch it and looks like a genetically modified gherkin? or maybe she just uses it as an alternative method of extracting blood samples) a calendar (open at July) a stress ball, several paper clips and a cutaway model of a vagina. Usual scenario for me - open mouth, shove foot in it, start talking (the point where I usually get in trouble)!
”I would have loved one of those“
Oh no! I had just given the nurse the impression that I was in need of gender reassignment surgery! (the proper term for a sex change operation, or, removing the male genitalia and replacing it with female genitalia). I entertained a few moments about how this procedure might be done and how on earth the surgeons would be able to pull it off!? I quickly regained my composure and sought to enlighten her by quickly (very quickly!) explaining that part of my role during my teaching career was sex education and that it would have been useful if I had had a vagina.
To my amazement she laughed and said it was nice to see someone with a sense of humour. I restrained myself (just!) from saying that I wasn't trying to be humerous! She continued, “so you're here for lobotomy?”
Had I been drinking lemonade at that point I would have coughed and spluttered it all over her. Fortunately I wasn’t but I did say “what!? surely they stopped doing those years ago when it was decided it was not a good idea to shove a knitting needle through someone's eye socket and rummage around in their brain with an ice-pick. “Phlebotomy” she emphasised. Well thats a relief, I genuinely did not catch the ‘Phfff’
Nurse then went through my blood test results - very good as it happens! Cholesterol almost zero, blood pressure fine, I rarely drink and don’t smoke etc only down side is there is some risk of type II diabetes. I‘m given advice to improve my diet. “Do you have your five a day“ she asks. No - I buy fruit but its still there at the end of the week - Maybe I think the nutrients get absorbed into my body by osmosis. She frowns slightly - improve your diet!
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