*May contain strong language and material that some people may find offensive!*
Date: Sunday 19th January 2020
Location: Loughborough
Specifically: Quorn and Woodlouse Station As you may know this is not the first time I’ve dossed down by the tarmac shores of the Great Western Railway but it is the first time I’ve really taken notice of the station ‘Quorn and Woodhouse‘.
How odd! That literally translates as ‘Vegetarian Food & Crustacean Station‘ (OK they can’t spell woodlouse for shit but thats not my fault!). Now why don’t they just put that on the sign instead of trying to be pompous!? I’m sure many more people would appreciate it.
Anyway onwards and upwards! Today's exciting sojourn is a walk to Aldi - I know how to have a good time! - I take my camera, my new (ever so slightly second hand) full frame 35mm Nikon D700 to take advantage of any photo opportunities I might see on the way, set the sat-nav on my mobile and I’m on my way. Exciting.....
..... not, as it turns out; the scenery is dull, the road boring, in fact the path disappears altogether at one point. I move to where there’s a nice bit of tarmac road and where I’m facing the oncoming traffic. Much safer you see, also it’s useful to know what has ran into you as you lay moaning and groaning in the road and left for dead. I jump out of my skin as a car screeches to a halt (bloody drama queen) and the driver shouts “what in the name of fuck are you doing in the middle of the road!? get out of the way you idiot!”
Whoops! This time I spot a path I can use and make my way on to it, plus there’s a bonus in the shape of a layby which seems decent enough for an overnight stay! I take a couple of shots (inadvertently bagging a rabbit for dinner!) so that I can add a location to ‘Park for a Night) and continue on my way!! This is turning into quite the little adventure!
Actually on the subject of transport and near misses, how about this? the first posting I saw on Facebook this morning. Talk about lucky! Go on, give it a look, at the very least it will show you what can happen to twats who are dense enough to lean against arctic lorries just as they about to set sail from a junction.
https://giphy.com/gifs/WUsctAGGvmTUD6og7F/html5
Pleasant and leisurely evening with a cup of tea, a bean sandwich and a digestive biscuit and chatting with a couple of friends online (Rachael and Deb) about music!
Excuse me? What‘s a bean sandwich? It‘s one I made hours ago that has shrivelled up to the extent that I’m no longer concerned about what it‘s been I want to know what it is now
Deb is from the land of; Marc Bolan, Showaddywaddy, Bryan Adams, Bon Jovi and David Bowie. Nice one I find a photo of the latter and forward it so that she at least knows I‘m taking notice!........
Brilliant! She will be impressed with my level of musical knowledge! ....... and onwards to the land of Aldi. A quick check of my sat-nav reveals I still have 15 mins of walking to do, strange though how it seems to have been 15 minutes from the outset. It is only when I turn a corner and spot Aldi in front of me that I realise I’ve
been looking at the arrival time. Doh
I wander into Aldi sweating like a parson in a porn shop and feeling a little under the weather. I’m sure I’m going down with something. I grab what I need in order of priority; chocolate, pizza, trifles (triple pack!), mince, bolognese sauce, ciabata (bake in the oven for 10 minutes!) and bog roll (for cakes baked in the digestive system for 10 hours!). Then make my way to the checkout.
Problem, two items in and the checkout operator has a problem with my mince (well stuff her I can walk in any way I want it's a free country!). No bar code. She leaves the till to get another pack. I become aware of others in the queue; chuntering no doubt about having to wait 20 seconds while the checkout operator returns. I do what I always do in these situations; I turn and look straight at the people in the queue. Immediately their complaints stop and are replaced with silly looking big cheesy grins. The implied message is “hey stranger, how nice it is that we are all stood in this line and how pleasant to make your acquaintance” the real meaning is “you absolute, complete and total fucking arsehole , now look what you've done; you come in here, wander around the bloody store buying your miserable bits of shopping and then deliberately, maliciously and with the sole aim of bringing utter misery into our lives cause the checkout operator to leave the till for a whole 20 seconds! Why not just take yourself and your shopping and throw yourself under a train you useless sack of crap!”
Back outside and I’m on my way back to ‘Vegetarian & Woodlouse‘ station. I’m feeling much better now, but have no idea how or why in fact I am actually enjoying my perambulations.
Or was!
Until I see this fucking thing !!!!
Lets just get a tad closer shall we?
This fucking thing!!!
Now as you know I’m not one to complain (or hold people up in checkout queues) but what the fuck is all this bollox about town twinning? Have you ever seen anything on the news about it? Heard anyone talking about it? (Until now) Read anything about it? In fact does anyone in the world have any idea what on earth ’Town Twinning‘ is!? What it’s supposed to be? What it’s supposed to achieve? I mean, are we expected to do something? maybe pay it a visit like it was a distant relation, take it on holiday or buy it a present for its birthday? Danned if I know.
Whoever came up with the idea clearly has no idea what the word ‘twin’ actually means! ”Hey sign writing person! has no one told you that ‘twin’ means two? Have a count up; you've got four places on your sign - thats called ’quads’ you idiot!”
I mean for starters where the fuck is Epinal, Schwabisch Hall, Gembloux and Zamosc anyway? I thought the first one was a device for people who were allergic to nuts or something.
OK well I haven't sat on my arse! Been and researched it innit! Turns out ‘Epinal’ is in yer France and the inhabitants are called frog.......er Spinaliens
Heres a snap!
oops! Wrong location. Lets try again! Better - This is a snap of Epinal in France what is twinned with Loughborough! As you can see Epinal is very picturesque.
Here is a snap of Loughborough (below) in England what am twinned with Epinal.
It does not look much like Epinal even though it is supposed to be its twin.
In fact it looks like shit.
However, there is some compensation.
Loughborough is famous for making bells.
They are made at ‘John Taylor Bell Founders
The area where the factory is located is known as Loughborough‘s Bell End.
SCHWABISCH HALL
Schwabisch Hall (below) is in Germany and is in the state of Baden-Wurttemberg.
Here is a snap of some houses in Schwabisch Hall (above)
They are rather delightful and sit prettily on a little hill.
Here is a snap of some apartments in Loughborough
As you can see they dont look like the apartments in Schwabisch Hall even though you would expect them to be identical.
They are not identical due to the ones in Loughborough being shat on by pigeons for eighty years.
GEMBLOUX
Here is another snap. This time in Gembloux
Gembloux is in Belgium
It is a really nice little place with picturesque buildings trees, shops, cafes and bars. It is also twinned with Loughborough (God help us).
Here is a snap taken in Loughborough
Loughborough is also ‘twinned‘ with Gembloux
COMPETITION: SPOT THE DIFFERENCE
The towns are meant to be twinned but while wandering around on a Sunday nibbling a loaf we spotted some major differences between the two. Lets have a bit of a competition to see how many you can spot between the two towns.
The first ones have been done to start you off.
1. Gembloux sits beneath a beautiful blue sky
Loughborough’s sky is so gloomy you want to kill yourself.
2. Gembloux has nice trees rich with lush foliage
Loughborough has a couple of potted plants into which people throw fag ends and urinate in on Fridays.
3. Gembloux has a very picturesque clock tower.
Loughborough has a massive CCTV camera to spot crackheads, knife wielding chavs and people ram raiding charity shops.
Now see if you can spot the other 1,726.
ZAMOSC
Here is my final snap. It is a picture of Zamosc.
Zamosc is in Poland (trans. the land where toilets are manufactured, made possible by having a very efficient political cistern.
Zamosc prides itself on its long history of offering a high standard of educational provision.
It is also a UNESCO World Heritage Site.
Loughborough is also proud of its educational heritage.
Here is a snap of an education system in Loughborough
In this picture the children have been practicing their writing skills.
CONCLUSION
It is clear that town twinning does not, as the name suggests, refer to towns that are identical or even similar, rather, it is to give the impression that the drab, miserable looking litter strewn pig stys across the UK share an aesthetic with towns on the continent like; Belgium, Germany, France and Poland.
My theory about ‘Town Twinning!’ is that the local authority ordered way too many brown ‘places of interest signs‘ in the mistaken belief that their town had places of interest in abundance. It didn’t. But rather than chuck them in a skip they thought “look we’ve bought these bloody things now we might as well write something on them” and thus the concept of town twinning was born (and ’Town Tripleting’ and ‘Town Quadding’ and ‘Town Quinting’ etc etc).
More later!
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