.... and you know the rest
*May contain strong language and material that some people may find offensive!*
Date: Tuesday 21st January 2020
Location: Loughborough
Specifically: Great Western Railway, outside a signal box with a hole in my shoe that is letting in water..
Someone is looking out for me. Looking out as in waiting in the wings to seize any opportunities that might give them a good laugh and for me to have something to write about.
Whoever or whatever this thing/being/artefact etc is it is doing a fine job - for them/it. For me it is doing a good job in providing me with material to write about it is doing a shit job if it thinks I’m finding any of it funny.
Following Stuarts repair to my water works (the ones in the van!) everything was operating quite nicely. The tank needed filling up at the next available opportunity but I had no doubt that everything would work as it should.
As ‘the next available opportunity‘ presented itself
- three days ago, I filled the water tank. It provided enough water to wash two cups and a plate and allow me to scrub the muck from my grimy face. Following this the water dribbled to a standstill and packed up.
The reason, I discovered today, soon became apparent. I noticed that as soon as I turned on the water it was accompanied by a gushing sound from outside. Strange. On going to have a look I immediately spotted the problem. As I turned on the flow of water inside the van, water immediately started pouring from a pipe outside it!
Immediately, I located any controls that might stem the flow of water and turned them to the ‘off’ position, but nothing worked.
Crap
Made a quick video about what was happening and forwarded it to Stuart to see if he might suggest anything. He did. I remind him that this is my home and that I must regretfully turn down his offer of “burning the fucking thing to the ground and buying another”. Fuck! Might as well do something else while I’m awaiting the next run of misery.
STEAMPUNK
On the Steampunk front I am way overdue for introducing ‘The Kat’. The Kat being Katherine Croker of ‘Kat Croker Art‘ who I first mentioned in April of last year on the ‘Captain Victory’ Face-Book page. I met her for the first time at Bradford Industrial Museum where I was impressed with her strikingIy unique ‘Diesel-Punk‘ style and independant spirit.
Following on from this we have taken things a stage further and am proud to announce that we will be teaming up for the forthcoming 2020 season. No further details as yet except that we will be buildibg on the success that Kat’s work has had on, Captain Victory’s accessories from her previous modelling work. She has already been booked to model a further range of accessories. DRAGONS DEN
Right!! What the hell kind of shit is this!? Never seen it before (thank the holy Christ!) What are they on now!? Fucking season 137!!! I don’t know who’s worse, the clowns in the chair that appear on this shit shower of a ‘show’ or the wonky eyed wallabies who pop in for a character assassination.
Just in case you're one of the three people whos never watched it, Dragons Den is a reality TV show where budding entrepreneurs pitch a business idea before a panel of smug rich bastards loafing around in the corner of a condemned warehouse in the hope that they will impress them enough to enable them to take their business to the next level, usually downwards.
These entrepreneurs then use a variety of techniques in order to convince the Dragons that they have a sound business idea. Techniques include such things as; wheedling, grovelling, begging, pleading, snivelling and crying. They are also content to allow themselves to be verbally torn to pieces by the Dragons in exchange for a some of their cash which in real terms, amounts to a fraction of their weekend pocket money. Or get excited because Deborah Needaman has made you an offer you can’t refuse.
Since the ‘show’ has been running for a few years many of the ‘Dragons’ have become household names; Theo Graffiti, Deborah Needaman, Piers Ninny, Peter (Tom) Jones, Tukah Sulkyman and James Dalek Kaan - to name but a few.
“Hello Dragons my name is Johnathan Konddom and I am looking for a £20,000 investment in my company ‘Pouch’; My product fits a niche market in that it competes for a rather tight space. The Pouch is a miniature desk top Bin-bag that is set to revolutionise eating at your desk. Imagine a typical desk at lunchtime. It is littered with crumbs, half eaten biscuits, bits from crisps, cake, peanuts, unfinished sandwiches, scribbled addresses for porn sites, utterly disgusting.
All you do is hold the Pouch at the side of the desk and sweep the rubbish into it. Nothing could be simpler. Now if its OK I’ll just come round with some samples and give you all one.
The presentation is followed by questions from the dragons. TURNOVER
”What is the cost of each unit to the consumer?”
”I knock ’em out at a fiver apiece“
”and what was your turnover for the most recent financial year?”
”69”
You only sold 69!!!!” and yet you expect me to invest £20,000 Into your business! “yes, it’s a great opportunity!”
”It’s a terrible opportunity” “You're just a shit businessman aren't you?”
”well er, I take exception to that this is a great .......
”I admire your spunk in cuming in here and asking for money but I can’t invest in this so I’m out!”
BRANDING
Johnny you told us that there was nothing like this product on the market?
“Yes”
“You haven't done you're research very well have you?”
”???”
“It’s just a condom isn’t it!?“
”Yes but I’ve added a new dimension to i..,.
”You're using a condom turned upside down and you're sweeping crumbs into it aren’t you?”
”Yes but......
”I won’t be investing I’m out”
SOURCING
”Where do you source your materials?”
”Raw materials are shipped to the UK from France“ “Are you fluent in French?”
”No, I use a language translation app which allows me to write French letters.
“...and do you have a supplier in the UK”
“I do, yes”
”And who are they?”
”Boots“
”Very impressive! So how much stock do you have at the moment?”
”Well this is why I need the dragons on board“.
“I understand that but how much stock do you have?”
”er.....”
”Sorry - are you finding it hard at the moment?”
”No my mind went blank. I have 9 small ones and 3 of the large ones“. I can’t stock more or the wife might get suspicious”
“The small version comes in packets of three and cost £2.99 but if I purchase 3 packets or more the sales assistant, Shirley, knocks me a pound off”
”Johnny?”
”er...if I c...
”Johnny!?”
”if I could explain”
”You're a complete twat aren’t you? “?”
”I can’t invest and I’m out”
PATENT
“Do you have a patent for this?”
”eh?“
”I’m asking you if you're using protection?
”Oh I get it, yes, very funny” Yes we’ve definitely got it patented, oh aye, had it done all legal and above board like“ “How much did you pay for it?”
”er.......75p”
”75p!?”
“Aye thats right, me mate Frank knocks em up on his computer. Says nobody will know the difference”
Load of bollox. Go and watch ‘Funerals Live’ it’s funnier!
One thing I would love to do on Dragons Den is to pitch something like a box, maybe 12x12’ and by some sort of trickery or other convince the dragons that it will produce any item that would fit inside a 12” cube - gold, precious stones, cash etc. Then, watch as they squabble amongst themselves, brawling & fighting, their eyes bulging in half crazed excitement and frothing at the mouth with greed in their desperate attempts to be chosen to invest in the device before announcing it as a fake!
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