White Church

Date: Tuesday 24th Nov 2020

Location: Whitchurch

Specifically: Town centre

Mood: It’s getting close to that time of year where many so called friends demand you enjoy yourself in ways determined by the season. Well I'll spend my RnR time in my own way thank you. Over and out.

HYMIE

Fingers crossed Hymie is in great shape where it matters, under the hood. Other places, not so much. I don’t know whether its his age or whether I’m just a clumsy klutz but lately it seems that every time I touch something it either tears, falls off, breaks, stops working, comes on when it should go out, goes out when it should come on, leaks, fizzes, explodes or disintegrates.

Most are just niggly things; a shelf support dropping of, a drawer falling out or (my speciality) realising that water is dripping onto the carpet because I turned the tap on before removing the sink cover. Easy fixes most of them though some are a little more involved. Take my front bumper for example (come back you swine I didn’t mean it literally!), last year during a trip to Brighton I had the misfortune of driving forward into the back of my friends moho because I thought he was reversing into the front if mine. Result? Friends bike, which was fastened to the back, got a bent wheel, I got a damaged bumper. Sean has offerred to repair it, or at least help me with it. But I prefer to do things myself where I can, I really hate asking people for help. Time to go on You Tube - surely there must be someone else out there who can damage a vehicle just by releasing the handbrake.

Speaking of maintenance Hymie is finally booked in for a service and habitation check (Presumably to make sure he’s fit for human consumption) and an MOT. Both overdue - the service by three months and the MOT by one. Not good at all. I hope that if youre a moho owner reading this you’ll do better than I have. Procrastinating with a moho is a dumb thing to do and it’s a mugs game, you put thing’s off to save money but in the end you pay more because leaving stuff inevitably leads to further damage and/or wear and tear. If you have something on your moho that needs repair then sort it now!

Related to this is the issue of older vehicles. Hymie is 17 this year. I've already encountered problems with so called moho repair technicians who make the most ludicrous excuses to get out of working on your moho because they just don’t want to do it. Best excuse I ever heard was from some clown who said he could only get me a part when at least 144 other people required one as it would only be worth his while if he had to order a lorry load from Germany.

Two things I’m struggling with at the moment are a light for the fridge (you wouldn’t believe how dark it is in a fridge when the light has blown - I’ve negotiated coal mines at midnight with greater ease than I’ve been able to find the makings of aham sandwich in a darkenedfridge). and a new door for the wet room since I’m not keen on people peering in at me while I’m taking care of personal business.

YOU FAT B*****D!

Finally ordered a set of weighing scales - black, stylish, easy to use and best of all cheap at a bit over 12 Earth pounds. Nice crystal clear display as well! Here look I’ll show you!!

Yes OK, not exactly riveting viewing, dunno though, some of the rubbish that passes for television these days, dreadful, welcome to the Saturday Night Craporama. What absolutely and utterly-butterly does NOT make thrilling viewing is the read out. 17 St 3lbs Jesus H Christ baring his baldy butt in Basingstoke! I knew I had deposited a few extra pounds in the old tummy account recently but had no idea I had paid in quite so much! I hope Rachael doesn’t see this, she’ll never speak to me again. Anyways, immediate priority is, now that I’ve put weight on, I now have to lose it - if only it were as easy to lose weight as it is to unburden yourself of cash.

In addition to the weighing scales, I also bought a small set of kitchen scales to measure portions of food and started using ‘Nutra Check’ an excellent app and one I highly recommend because its so easy to keep track of calories, weight loss, fruit and veg intake and pretty much everything else related to reaching a more healthier weight. First pleasant surprise was that my recommended calorie intake, which will enable me to reach my target weight, is a touch over 2000. I thought I might struggle with that but I actually found it quite easy to come in well under that. I’m on me way!! (Good title for a song!)

WHITCHURCH

Late afternoon on a cold and miserable day is perhaps not the best time to go sightseeing, but it’s particularly dismal when you enter a place described as ‘historical’ and realise that the term is not only true in a literal sense it’s also a misprint (the ‘o’ should be an ‘e’) The reason for this is that Whitchurch looks just as bloody dire in the middle of summer (according to some of the locals). It’s as if no matter how warm the day, how blue the skies or how low the humidity, the weather forecasters appear to have saved up a little bit of cloud especially to hang over Whitchurch. To add insult to injury it also appears that the local council, in an attempt to hide their shame, have deliberately kept the town in darkness. One saving grace is that Whitchurch is quite a small town so if you put your hands over your eyes and a spring in your step you can be on your way out almost as quick as you came in.

Then I see it! A beacon of light soaring upwards into the night sky. Hurriedly I make my way towards it, my heart racing and my pace quickening with every step as I narrow the distance between myself and the source of the light, intrigued as to what ancient monument could be deserving of such illuminated splendour. I make my way round a final twist in the myriad of pathways and stand mesmerised as the truth is revealed....

.... Tescos.

Tesco’s! What!? Well I suppose no one is going to die of starvation. On the other hand it's also a tad disappointing after wandering around Whitchurch looking for a photo opportunity to then discover a supermarket with only one entrance and no discernible exit

Unimpressed!

Staff consisting largely of miserable looking women, one small, thin security chappie (be sure to keep him out of a draft) and some bloke who has managed to become totally bald while having masses of hair and a bushy beard. Even more surreal, he’s holding out a pork pie while asking an assistant where he can find the post office!? As for myself I bought (or tried to buy) two packs of pain killers. Sign at the checkouts says drugs cannot be bought by anyone under the age 18. So what happens? Nowt! they didn’t even bother to check that I was old enough to buy them! Just stuffed them in my bag and let me walk out the door. Slack b******s! Mark my words no good will come of this! Pretty soon we’ll have under fives lying under the sub way high on Calpol and smoking weed out of bongs fashioned from baby bottles.

So why the absence of lighting on such historical features as the Georgian housing, Roman remains and the civic centre? The answer, not surprisingly, is a technical one. The council are a bunch of lazy arsed wino’s who would rather spend money on making cheese to flog to the French in the twin town of Neufchâtel-en-Bray (God help us theres really a place in France that looks like Whitchurch?)

And don’t even get me started on the history of the place

More evidence of idleness! Whoever planned Whitchurch clearly couldn’t be arsed to do all the usual preparation that goes into designing a town centre, like creating 3D models from scaled drawings, public consultation meetings or organising a traffic system guaranteed to subtlety thin out the increasing number of elderly. So they bypassed town planning and went straight for the random placement of building’s generator at the local library (located first on the left as you go in, past the toilets and just to the left of the photocopier).

Oh dear now what? You’re giving me that look that suggests you’re going to put me in stocks in the town centre (good luck with finding that by the way) and pelt me with King Edwards (a fitting punishment for use in a place described as historical), mud (no shortage of that as most of the roads aren’t finished yet) and soiled nappies (well the packs only say they’re disposable not how you should dispose of them). Look, I’m not saying that there isn’t a place for a wide variety of buildings in a town - in fact its essential if you’re going to attract visitors, tourists and people who want to see just how awful a place the world has become before they top themselves - just that it was be nice if there were actually some discernible theme.

Actually while wandering around I did discover a bit about the history of Whitchurch. Apparently the town (may it soon disappear into the bowels of the earth) used to be called White Church because it used to have a white church but the people who built the white church in Whitchurch got fed up with folk calling it Whitchurch when it was really White church not Whitchurch so they changed the name to Whitchurch to prevent people calling it White church when it was really Whitchurch. There was also a rumour circulating at the time claiming the name was changed because no one wanted to live in a town whose name rhymed with a toilet. But I’m unable to verify the story.

Never mind here’s a few photos I took during the night (currently around 2:30 pm at this time of year).

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