*May contain strong language and material that some people may find offensive!*
Date: Saturday 4th January 2020
Location: Huddersfield
Specifically: Huddersfield Town Centre
OK this is dumb, and you're probably going to laugh but today I bought myself for the very first time ever a pair of those tiny headphones you can get for mobile phones. I know!!! It sounds so lame - haven’t mobiles been out for around 50 years or something? 1973 I believe - when Martin Cooper of Motorola placed a call to his rival Dr Joel S Engel of Bell Laboratories to say “Ha ha give it up loser!! We’ve invented the mobile phone and, despite the fact that I look a ridiculous twat stood out here on the high street holding a house brick and people are laughing themselves into double incontinence we have beaten you to it!” Fortunately for Cooper, and such is the weirdness of the general public, there were many people around the world who were equally keen to look bloody stupid as well and so it caught on.
Del Boy looking a twat
But, like Cooper, getting one out in public, to make or answer a call, would have your friends covering their faces with their hand in acute embarrassment and making excuses to leave the room “I’m off for a fag!” “But you don’t smoke!” “I’m going to start!”, “Gosh have I been here 3 minutes already? its time I was off” l
Come to think of it you would probably cause yourself less embarrassment if you did use a house-brick.
Anyway back to MY headphones
Listening to music on these things was an annoyance beyond belief - not for the user - they were great for the user, you could have music on the go, wherever you like and as loud as you could tolerate it. No - the people who suffered were the ones in their immediate proximity. Especially for the one sitting next to them.
It wasn’t that they were deafened by the thunderous blast from some almighty rock anthem, or blinded by blood pouring from their eyes quite the opposite, what was so bloody irritating was the ‘overspill’ officially known as ‘sound leakage’ the remnant of noise that couldn’t quite be contained by the headphones. It went something like this.....
’tickatuck, tickatuck, tickatuck, tickatuck, tickatuck’
It was always more noticeable on buses or in railway carriages where, amidst the silence of bored commuters who had already been sat on the train for three days, the sound could be heard over and over and over until their badly frayed nerves would finally snap.
Then the sufferer would raise herself to a standing position, yank them out of their seat, drag them the length of the train, through a couple of carriages - just for the satisfaction of hearing the screams as their head bounced along the floor - finally strangling them with their own headphones and booting them off the train.
OK I admit I’m a fan of new technology but using it does not come naturally. Interesting because, during my teaching career I was the ‘go to guy’ when someone needed advice on how the computers worked. This shouldn't be taken to mean that I am just being modest when I was really brilliant rather it indicates just how utterly clueless everyone else was with them.
So I wanted something on which to listen to music, thinking it might inspire me to get more exercise, make trailing around the shops more enjoyable or just to tune Alex out when he was being a twat (usually around 70% of the day). But all I knew about listening to music was that indoors you needed something called a ‘Hi Five system‘ and outdoors you used headphones and annoyed people with the tskatskatskatska racket thereby running the risk of your own mobile being removed from your person and struck several blows with a hammer.
Fortunately help was at hand. A guy opposite Alex sold headphones! Yet when I asked for a pair he said he didn't have any - odd. I picked a pair up from his stall holding them out in front of him like a slice of week old salami. What are these? He looked at me like a metal eroding parasite in an ironmongers and told me “they are earphones“ Picky picky! I hadn't realised there was a difference!
Two minutes later, £7 lighter and with my new EARphones on my head I was blown away - they sounded better than any music system I had ever owned and at a fraction of the cost! If you're interested they're actually £30 if you get them from the Apple shop. I mean, I’m a big fan of Apple products but the prices make your eyes water!
Oh dear, I’ve done it again - gotten ahead of myself. I should have begun by saying that I'm in town today to help Alex out at the market. It’s the penultimate day of my ‘holiday’ and the market is a great place to find stuff I can use to customise my Nerf guns, hats, respirators etc.
I also need to gather more information about y’ruddersfield - because I realise that, although I am staying here throughout the coldest months Jan-March (just in case you felt the current climate so shit it might be May to July) I have spent many days here over the past year but have yet to write anything of significance beyond going down to Aldi, up to the Rose & Crown or (temptingly) head first into the canal.
Y’RUDDERSFIELD
Strip away the usual clap trap that is the ruination of town centres everywhere (I’m sure by now you know to what I am referring) and what you are left with is a very picturesque (albeit monochromatic) little town with some fine examples of Victorian architecture, an emphasis on seats of learning and a heavy leaning towards multiculturalism and the environment
The magnificent Victorian facade
of Huddersfield Railway Station
It’s an odd combination of a town that Is, on the one hand, heading down the slippery slope into oblivion - judging by the amount of businesses that have closed down, as evidenced by boarded up shop fronts, ubiquitous ‘To-Let‘ signs, deserted thoroughfares and such an abundance of condemned buildings that ‘Derelict Places’ are believed to be considering coach parties for *urbexers’ - and one that presents as both cosmopolitan and the epitome of political correctness, multiculturalism, and environmental friendliness.
I’m sure Huddersfieldians (a ludicrous demonym imho but what do I know?) are not alone in thinking that their council could do better. Vision99 complained about ”the number of potholes and sunk drains” Skynet001 described Kirklees Council as “a joke” while ‘Richyroo’ argued that the scheme was “utterly pointless and a waste of money”
Is this a great idea? Is it the right idea? The best way to spend the council tax? You would assume that councillors would sit down and discuss priorities then act on them in order. Maybe they do but how are thise priorities established? At times you do have to wonder what goes on in the minds of the decision makers. One of my favourite memories of Huddersfield was emerging from the railway station one bright and sunny Wednesday evening. I was due to meet Alex in ‘The Head of Steam‘ pub a few yards down on the right from the station. In the centre of the concourse stands a statue of the labour politician Harold Wilson who served as prime minister from 1964-1970 and from 1974-1976.
I barely give it a second glance now as I’ve seen it so many times but this time I did look, in fact I did a double take, because next to the statue was a teenage boy alternatively placing one hand behind his head followed by the other and skipping towards one of his friends who was taking photographs.
I recognised the dance as one made famous by the comedian Eric Morcambe. Surely not!? This boy could not possibly think that the statue he was hopping about in the proximity of was Eric Morecambe!? I didn’t approach him to ask but, given modern youth‘s lack of interest in anything outside of themselves it would not have surprised me.
Actially while we’re lurking suspiciously around the Railway Station this is probably a good time to mention food - not that soggy, wilting, overpriced garbage usually associated with railway's - but good wholesome food, rich with flavour, the air permeated with the scent of aromatic spices, deserts smothered in heavenly sauces merging into an exotic blend of fragrant aromas from all corners of the globe (flat earthers will be pleased!).
I refer, of course, to the exquisite range of cuisine on offer. Nothing unusual about that of course - people gotta eat after all - but Huddersfield leaves no stone unturned (probably because they've been hit by so many vehicles) in bringing an incredibly wide variety of food to it’s streets. Not just the Indian restaurants and Take-Aways I have described elsewhere that are so popular they must surely, by now, be a central part of British culture but the overwhelming tange of foods from other countrues; Lebanese, Poland, Caribbean, Thailand,
Huddersfield is clearly a town that‘s proud of being multicultural and (in keeping with flag waving authorities everywhere) is keen to promote this notion to outsiders. In fact one wonders how far they are prepared to go in there pursuit of this....
“oh yes, now other local authorities will ensure there roads are well maintained but, in Huddersfield, we are determined to show empathy towards our inhabitants from developing countries by having lots of nice places to jolly along on bicycles but where motorists (may there engines be filled with soot) get to jaunt along badly pitted roads, squelch through acres of mud and bounce over rocks and boulders.
*Urbexing - Urban explorers i.e people who explore derelict buildings.
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